Being Small by Kelly McClain

So...I sat and stared at my computer for damn near an hour trying to get this article out of my head. Ok the truth is I have stared at my computer for about an hour each day this week. There is a message trying to come through and I’m over analyzing it to death. #doubleair You’ll understand why when you reach the end of the article.

I’m an Aquarius/Capricorn cusp Sun (8th house), Gemini Rising, Leo Moon (3rd house), Redhead, Scottish and German, Opinionated, Strong willed, Stubborn, Fierce, Proud, Independent Woman. Many people think of me as very outgoing and loud and carefree. I write, I do public speaking, videos, blogs, and I could argue the horns off of Satan himself. So please be sitting down when I tell you that I’m sorta shy, and sometimes overly humble, and talking about myself is not particularly easy. I talk a LOT. But I am very guarded about what I share.

Lately, I have been examining why that is, and its complex, of course.

I was a bossy little girl. Now we tell such little girls they are leaders. But I was bossy. I look back now and am not at all sure why my little friends liked me. I have asked them recently, and their answers surprised me. They all said “you always had a plan, and it was always fun, and we didn’t have to figure anything out!” Oh. I had no idea that other people enjoyed receiving direction. Who knew?

That bossy little girl went way when I turned 12. Not because I matured, necessarily, but because in Junior High, I was mercilessly bullied and constantly terrified. Without realizing it, shrank dramatically on the inside and I stopped “putting myself out there” at all. Even though I was relatively happy and socially successful in High School, I stayed out of the spotlight. I quietly excelled at academics and doing what was expected of me and flew mostly under the radar. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized why.

In my relationships and marriage, and even in my jobs, I was an accommodator. And I didn’t voice my displeasure about much of anything, and if I had a suggestion of how a problem might be solved, I swallowed it because my ideas were usually met with strange looks. I have so many examples of this, but that’s a whole book. I bent, twisted, contorted and stapled myself into emotional shapes that were unnatural and uncomfortable and anything but easy, in order to make other people feel at ease. I kept my light under a bushel for a long time because my light didn’t fit into any descriptions I knew of, and it would have made many people uncomfortable. But then, my intuitive abilities woke up from a lengthy slumber when my marriage and life were spiraling into chaos and I began a deep journey into myself. What I discovered was that I was basically afraid... all the time. I was afraid of judgment, of criticism, of rejection, of pain.

As I looked back over my life, I realized that I had been this way since around Junior High. I had been emotionally crushed by the torment of those years. I carried that with me for over 20 years and I shunned attention outside of my home and the safe zone of my immediate family and friends. I did not care to be noticed. I didn’t try out for things, I never ran for school president, I never volunteered to lead anything, I just wanted to be invisible, so that I didn’t receive strange looks for my “weird” ideas.

Not that many years ago my journey into myself helped me understand why I had hidden for most of my life. Clearly I was afraid to draw attention to myself. Did I fear ridicule? Did I fear failure? The answer that arrived startled me. I think all of us fear failure on some level. Most of us go out of our ways and manipulate life and other people in order to avoid rejection. But, what I found in my search was more than just a fear or failure. I was afraid of SUCCESS.

Suddenly all the lights came on, angels sang and everything made sense. If I remained small and unseen, no one expected anything MORE from me. If I remained small, no one challenged or criticized me. If no one knew I was really smart, no one expected great things from me. If no one knew I was talented, I wouldn’t have to be held accountable for my talent. I think I laughed hysterically when I realized I was basically afraid of commitment (so Aquarian). If I was small and no one asked anything of me, I didn’t have to commit to anything. If I was invisible, I was FREE...so I thought.

But there came a time when that freedom didn’t feel spacious at all. And I started to come out of a shell I didn’t realize I’d been in. I found myself giving less and less of a damn if people didn’t like my opinion, or my colorful vocabulary, or my voice about topics, or if they gave me strange looks in meetings when I suggested something out of the box. I didn’t care if people didn’t like or understand my body positivity. I didn’t need the validation of people when I started healing my wounds with crystals and oils and meditations. I didn’t care! And I started sharing myself and some of my previous struggles and personal pain more with people. My throat chakra was SO shut down, when it finally opened, I think I startled God. I started sharing my writing. I started sharing my gifts. I didn’t care if people didn’t understand, agree with, or validate those gifts. I knew and understood my Light and I wasn’t going to cram myself into a little box anymore to make other people comfortable.

As I came out more, and started talking about emotions and healing, a LOT of brand new people of a whole new flavor started showing up in my life. I was free to be weird with them and they didn’t look at me funny about much of anything. And many people fell away from my life. The people who left me were unable to deal with emotions. And there was, so I’m told, no denying emotions in my presence. Some of my friends who never, ever cry, would easily cry for hardly any reason at my house. Strangers would tell me painful stories. One of my mentors called me a human quartz, because I seemed to amplify whatever was in the room, without trying. That same mentor, when she met me, told me that my aura was smashed so close to my body, it was clear I was trying to energetically hide. We worked on expanding it, and I’m not exaggerating when I say my whole life changed.

It wasn’t too long after that, that Mark Husson contacted me about doing radio. I took a long time to answer him and he told me later that he thought I was going to say no. What was happening in that long pause was me making peace with giving myself a voice. I gave myself permission to unleash myself on the world and told him Hell Yes! I’d been waiting for a microphone since I was about 3, but I always worried someone would think I was a _____ (insert judgment here). With a headset strapped onto my noggin and wide open airwaves, I felt like I’d been given wings!

2 years later, I have 2 radio shows, a beautiful client base, a blog, a brand I’m excited about, and as of right now, a card deck that I have just released! This was such a monumental step for me to publicly publish anything that I have done. I have struggled with this notion for at least a decade. So this is my baby step into publishing. This deck is my sweet baby because it is ME. 

The deck is called “Sweary Spirituality”, a notion that makes many asses twitch. This flavor of connecting to Spirit is how I commune with the Divine and navigate life: with humor, with some swearing, with an earthiness that I require for connection. The affirmations are Kelly-isms. They are the things I’ve said to myself and the things I say to my clients and listeners. They are the words that help me make sense of life. They are glittery, and positive, and imbued with my deepest desire for every person who reads through them that they be empowered to get out of the little box they’ve climbed into to make other people comfortable. I call this “Unboxing”. “Unboxing Badass” is the next thing I am daring myself to step into. I am not sure what it is yet, but I know it’s coming. And I don’t know what will happen with it. It may do nothing. It may be huge. I’m not afraid either way. Ultimately, my willingness to step out of being small has been the weirdest and most rewarding thing I have done with my career and life path. It is my sincere hope that if you are keeping yourself small for other people, that you will allow me to help you Unbox.

You are a beautiful badass. Be Big. Keep going!

(Sweary Spirituality™ Affirmation cards available for purchase here)

kelly.JPG

Kelly McClain, Priestess of Sweary Spirituality™, and The Badass Whisperer is serving up smart ass-trology and ascerbic wit to bring laughter and wholeness to the world, one person at a time.

Kelly covers the deep issues with compassion and levity. She tackles real life topics with a unique and sometimes irreverent humor, in the spirit of unlocking the love all around us. Called “The Love Guru” by many friends, she is not only the village go-to for romantic love advice, she is a dynamo on a mission to help others love themselves! She is an intuitive coach, healer, and inspirational speaker.

As a powerful empath, she has a particular ability to draw emotions out of others and then clear the emotional energy.She has been called a ''powerhouse'' when it comes to motivating and encouraging change. Her toolbox is uniquely equipped with a variety of healing modalities, which includes humor, to guide people through a process of shedding deeply programmed limiting beliefs that hamper their ability to thrive. She has a deep love for humanity, which shines through her light heart and compassionate approach.

She is an empowerment and relationship coach, intuitive healer, artist, as well as a truth teller. She is gifted at coaching people through difficult emotions such as grief, betrayal, lack of worthiness, and fear and shifting those emotions into personal power and self love. She is a psychic advisor, and author of BitchScopes at 12Listen.

She loves essential oils, rocks, glitter, the chakras, colorful everything, flip flops, humanity, her children and her tribe, and bringing joy to others.